Fathers

Two weeks ago I was asked by the 1st councilor in my single's ward to speak on Father's day. Teasing him I asked what he wanted my topic to be. "Fathers," he said. Big shocker. :) The next two weeks I prayed, listened to talks, read stories, quotes, and articles on fathers, and read the scriptures and prayed to find the right words to say how I felt. There are always more words to say, but I have never had an easier time writing. The words just came and I felt blessed to be able to say them on this Father's Day especially. I hope you enjoy. 

Our Perfect Father

Father’s Day 2013

By Melinda Rich

When I was asked to speak on Father’s Day, I was immediately aware of how huge this topic really is. For the past weeks I have been reading, discussing, and praying to understand how I can make this topic more than just a talk on how awesome my dad is… which is true, but I pray that we will come to realize how blessed and loved we are by the multitude of fathers we are surrounded by daily.

Ok, so I know I said that this talk wouldn’t necessarily be about how amazing my dad is, but since he is here to listen, I hope you’ll indulge me for a momentJ I have been blessed as Nephi said, “to be born of goodly parents” and my father is one of the best men I know.  He has taught me to understand what the word father means in a tangible sense. My uncle used to say that children are like tiny scientists watching, experimenting, and hypothesizing as they grow. As I have watched my father over the years, I have seen the devoted consistency of his actions toward me and others, his acts and words of love, admonishment, and truth, his struggles and victories with health, relationships, and business, and have seen his unquenchable desire to help those around him to understand their own worth, the truth and clarity of God’s plan for us, the beauty and life in and of nature and humankind, and to see how important it is to keep our minds active through conversation, travel, laughter, and reading of the best books.

When I was younger and would get in an argument with my little brother (he was actually little then and not 6’7 like he is now) usually about him getting into my stuff or breaking something of mine, my dad would make us both sit down across from each other and he would talk to us about what it meant to love someone. Because I was older most of the words were directed at me, but he would make sure I understood that my little brother was more important than the cabbage patch doll or easy bake oven. And then for however long it took, he would make us each describe 10 things we loved about the other while looking into each other’s eyes. Robbie got off easy because he was 7 and would say things like, “She has pretty hair, or she gives good hugs…” but again, because I was older, my dad would ask that I be more specific, and give more than surface answers. One time I tried to get away with loving each of his individual eyelashes on one of his eyes. After that I had to give 50 things I loved… so that habit stopped pretty quick. Also, it is really hard to stay mad at someone when you are staring them in the eyes and, like Robbie always did, make funny faces or just lovingly smiled at me.

What I learned though this exercise, is that a loving father, understands his children, knows that they make mistakes, but helps them to see the truth of the situation. He helped me to understand that anger or frustration are not feelings that come from God, and that to choose love over those other emotions helps us draw closer to our Heavenly Father and to seek resolutions or communication instead of fights of about who was right or wrong. He was also quick to set me straight when I took his instructions flippantly or with insincerity.  As it says in D&C 121: 43-44 “Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy, that he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death.” He was never mad when I would do these things, but firm and unflinching in the fact that I had disobeyed, but always explained in love, that honesty and obedience are always the better way. I am not saying that my dad is perfect, he’s not… sorry, Dad:) But he does seek to perfect himself through seeking the forgiveness of the Atonement.

I know, however, that this kind of interaction with fathers is not everyone’s experience. My own mother lost her parents in a fatal accident when she was 14, was raised by her aunt and uncle, and was left at that young age, like so many others in similar situations, with the remnants and pieced together memories of the father she misses, and experiences with her stand-in father figures to understand the meaning of father. I also have many friends who have never known their father due to death or abandonment, or others whose fathers were and are unkind, abusive, and violent. As I have talked with these different people, these challenges have shaped their understanding of fathers into a far different definition than my own. Many of them, though sadly not all, have learned from these often twisted traditions and have changed their own behavior and actions to reflect their understanding about the Gospel, repentance, and scriptural examples of true priesthood holders and loving fathers.

Even with these scriptural examples we do not have the day-to-day story, but rather have the mistakes, challenges, and shining moments to learn from. Some of my favorite scriptural fathers are Helaman and Alma the elder (Mosiah 27: 13-14). Helaman, the son of King Benjamin, having been taught by a righteous father (who wrote letters and discussed gospel truths with his sons on several occasions) led, through his strength and example, as it says in Alma 56: 10, his “two thousand ^asons, (for they are worthy to be called sons)” into battle against the armies of the Lamanites. Here is Helaman’s account:

 45 And now I say unto you, my beloved brother Moroni, that never had I seen ^aso great ^bcourage, nay, not amongst all the Nephites.

 46 For as I had ever called them my sons (for they were all of them very young) even so they said unto me: Father, behold our God is with us, and he will ^anot suffer that we should fall; then let us go forth; we would not slay our brethren if they would let us alone; therefore let us go, lest they should overpower the army of Antipus.

 47 Now they never had fought, yet they did not fear death; and they did think more upon the ^aliberty of their ^bfathers than they did upon their lives; yea, they had been taught by their ^cmothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them.

I love this account because these young men, through immense faith and courage and years of care and instruction by their fathers and mothers, knew the sacred importance of the covenant their father’s had made, and were willing to die to uphold it for them. Also, through the guidance of Helaman, who led them as a father, not one of these young men was lost. It was not only the mothers of these young men that taught them to not doubt, but their literal fathers or those who stand in for them taught them to trust in God.

In reference to Alma the elder, we are told in Mosiah 27:14 as an angel from the Lord chastises Alma the younger and his brethren for seeking to destroy the church of God. “And again, the angel said: Behold, the Lord hath ^aheard the prayers of his people, and also the ^bprayers of his servant, Alma, who is thy father; for he has ^cprayed with much faith concerning thee that thou mightest be brought to the ^dknowledge of the truth; therefore, for this purpose have I come to ^econvince thee of the power and authority of God, that the ^fprayers of his servants might be answered according to their faith.” It was the faith and consistent love of Alma’s father (as well as other church members) that called forth an angel to restore his son’s knowledge of “the power and authority of God,” and true principles of the Gospel, not the deceptions of the world created by a cunning Devil, known as the Father of lies and the father of contention.

All of these men are good and true examples, men who have learned through experience, hardships, challenges, forgiveness, and blessings of the Spirit to cultivate these godly attributes and faith. But these men are not perfect. In fact so many of our challenges that may come from and with our own fathers is because they are not perfect. But God has said in D&C 52:14 “And again, I will give unto you a pattern in all things, that ye may not be deceived; for Satan is abroad in the land, and he goeth forth deceiving the nations.” As I have said, often our earthly examples of fathers carry much more weight in our feelings toward men, fathers, and fatherhood because they are immediately before our faces and physically present in our lives. As I have said before, some people’s experiences with fathers are not full of faith or kindness. Many of the students I have taught in the past two years have had severe challenges caused by fathers who have been addicted to drugs and alcohol, which led them to abuse their wives, demean their children, and as it says in Ephesians 6:4 “provoke[d their] children to wrath… [instead of] bring[ing] them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” Not all of these abuses were because of addiction. Many of these fathers had also fallen into the traditions of the world, that teaches dominion over women and children, which in turn teaches these women they are worthless or only to be used, which creates enemies within the family and destruction of home life. And though we in this single’s ward might hope we are free of these experiences in our own lives, often we have let these worldly, oversexualized, uncommitted, “boys will be boys” images of fathers and men deceive us into thinking much of this behavior is normal, natural, manly, and desired… but let us not be deceived. The natural man or woman is an enemy to God and these philosophies are not in keeping with the truths of the restored Gospel.

Whether good or bad, God has said He will give us a pattern in all things, ALL THINGS, FATHERLY THINGS. In fact, he has given us the most perfect, kind, loving, understanding pattern and example of a father that could ever be. He has given Himself as our ultimate pattern. Countless scriptures tell us of our Heavenly Father’s attributes and Joseph Smith described his Heavenly Father as such:

“While one portion of the human race is judging and condemning the other without mercy, the Great Parent of the universe looks upon the whole of the human family with a fatherly care and paternal regard; He views them as His offspring, and without any of those contracted feelings that influence the children of men…We admit that God is the great source and fountain from whence proceeds all good; that He is perfect intelligence, and that His wisdom is alone sufficient to govern and regulate the mighty creations and worlds which shine and blaze with such magnificence and splendor over our heads, as though touched with His finger and moved by His Almighty word. … God sees the secret springs of human action, and knows the hearts of all living…The purposes of our God are great, His love unfathomable, His wisdom infinite, and His power unlimited; therefore, the Saints have cause to rejoice and be glad, knowing that ‘this God is our God forever and ever, and He will be our Guide until death.’ [Psalm 48:14.]”

But one of the descriptions I love most of Heavenly Father is by Heber C. Kimball. He said, “God is the happiest of men. I am perfectly satisfied that my Father and my God is a cheerful, pleasant, lively, and good-natured being. Why? Because I am cheerful, pleasant, lively, and good-natured when I have His Spirit… that arises from the perfection of his attributes; He is a jovial, lively person, and a beautiful man.” I LOVE this. Because in this statement we are given the key to Heavenly Father’s pattern. We can be like Him, and are like him, when we have his Spirit with us. Men who follow worldly examples of fatherhood are not living worthy of the Spirit and are then, not like God. The Spirit here, as in all other situations, is our guide to understanding what manner of men and women we ought to be (3 Nephi 27:27). We should be even as God is. God is love and life. When I think of the best moments I have had with my brothers, father, cousins, friends, etc… it is when these men are their best selves: kind, funny, generous, patient, supportive, protective, strong, and good.

Every relationship we are in teaches us how to be a better man or women, daughter, son, father or mother. I am the only girl in my family, which I love, and though I have been chased, teased, and sometimes sat on by my older or younger brothers, being surrounded by these men, my father and brothers, my uncles, cousins, friends, neighbors, students, classmates, etc., has taught me to see and understand the perfect imperfections of loving fathers and fathers-to-be. As the men in our lives seek the council our the greatest father, our Heavenly Father, learn of him, through him, and by him, His perfect perfections will become clear as they seek to have his Spirit with them and repent of trespasses when committed. As women, we can encourage, love, support, and even at times demand that these men love us and treat us as our Father in Heaven would. We women, can also seek His Spirit to perfect our own imperfections, misunderstandings, and challenges. As we do this we will be more like our Father in Heaven also. We will understand the men in our lives and gain understanding that creates love, and unity, not contention or criticism.

God’s pattern is perfect, because he is perfect, but as I think I have repeated enough times now, we are not. As Elder Holland requested in his most recent conference talk, (forgive a few embellishments) “so be kind regarding human frailty—your own as well as that of those who serve with you in a Church (or a family) led by … mortal men and women. Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son, imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it. So should we. And when you see imperfection, remember that the limitation is not in the divinity of the work….so be patient and kind and forgiving.” I hope that today as we gather with our families, call our fathers in other states or countries, or remember our fathers who may have passed on or who may not be in our lives for whatever reasons, that we will remember to forgive them of their shortcomings and love them for their care, guidance, kindness, and love.  May we also remember that we are loved by our Father in Heaven and that as we look to our perfect Father in Heaven and live worthily to have his spirit and guidance with us always, we can be come more like him and grow and change through the Atonement and God’s plan of happiness into the men and women, fathers and mothers that God has shown us how to be.